HOW
SHARPER THAN A SERPENT'S TOOTH
IT
IS TO HAVE A THANKLESS CHILD
by
Richard Nathan
Act I
Scene 1
A room in King Lear's palace. Enter KENT and GLOUCESTER, with Gloucester carrying his son EDMUND on his arm. Edmund is a haughty, impish little man, with a high, nasal voice. He wears a monocle over one eye. Actually, Edmund should ideally be a ventriloquist's dummy. Gloucester is the ventriloquist, although he is not very good about not moving his lips. Alternatively, Edmund could be played by a live actor who acts like a ventriloquist's dummy, but the stage directions will assume he is an actual dummy.
Kent should have a beard in this scene.
KENT
I thought the King had more affected the Duke
of Albany than Cornwall.
GLOUCESTER
So it had seemed to me, but it now appears that
he will give equal shares to the husbands of Regan
and Goneril, while reserving the finest lands for
whatever man shall wed Cordelia.
KENT
Is this your son, my Lord?
GLOUCESTER
He is my issue, though there is an issue as to
his legitimacy.
KENT
I don't understand
EDMUND
He means I'm a little bastard.
KENT
Oh.
GLOUCESTER
Edmund, say hello to the Earl of Kent and remember
him as my honorable friend.
EDMUND
As opposed to all your dishonorable chums.
GLOUCESTER
Perhaps I should be ashamed of having a son out
of wedlock, but I was a young rake in my salad
days.
EDMUND
And now you're an old wreck, and your salad is
wilted.
GLOUCESTER
All the women liked my looks, but Edmund's
mother appreciated my finer qualities...
EDMUND
The gold, the silver, the estate...
GLOUCESTER
Edmund! Do you think your mother
was interested
only in the money I gave her.
EDMUND
No! No!
She was also after the money you
didn't give her!
GLOUCESTER
I'm ashamed to hear you talk that way!
EDMUND
I
could talk better if you'd raise my allowance.
GLOUCESTER
You
always want money for being good. Why
can't you like your legitimate brother Edgar?
He
never wants anything for being good.
EDMUND
Yeah, he's good for nothing.
GLOUCESTER
Shhhh!
The King is coming.
Enter
KING LEAR, a grandiose, stout man with a bulbous nose.
Following him are his eldest daughter GONERIL, her husband the DUKE OF
ALBANY, Lear's middle daughter REGAN, her husband the DUKE OF CORNWALL, and
Lear's youngest daughter CORDELIA. Also
enter various ATTENDANTS.
KING
LEAR
Gloucester!
Attend the lords of France and
Burgundy!
GLOUCESTER
I
shall, my Lord.
Gloucester
bows and exits, taking Edmund with him.
KING
LEAR
Present
the map!
An
Attendant holds up a map of England. The
King points to it with his scepter and accidentally pierces it.
He pulls the map off the scepter and hands it back to the Attendant.
KING
LEAR
(handing
back the map)
Careful
with that thing!
The
King again points to the map, but is careful not to pierce it this time.
KING
LEAR
Know
that we have divided our kingdom into
thirds, and 'tis our intent to shake all
cares and
business from our age, conferring them on younger
strengths, while we
unburdened crawl toward
death.
Goneril
snorts with contempt.
GONERIL
If
he's lay off the booze, he could walk
toward
death.
The
King glares at Goneril, but doesn't say anything to her.
KING
LEAR
Before
we bestow the divisions of our domain, we
shall propose this inquiry:
tell us, daughters, which
of you shall we say loves us most?
Goneril, our
eldest born, speak first.
GONERIL
I
love you more than words can say. Beyond
all,
no less than life, as much as any child ever loved,
and more than that I
love you.
KING
LEAR
Good.
Very good. (He
gestures to the map.)
All this land, we confer to you and your husband
Albany. What says our second daughter, our Regan,
wife of Cornwall.
Speak.
REGAN
I
find my sister echoes my love, only her words fall
short. I won't allow any other feelings, thoughts or
senses to
interfere with my love for my father.
GONERIL
I
meant to say that, but I so absorbed in feeling
love for my father, I forgot to
mention it.
REGAN
I'm
sorry. Did you say something?
I was so busy
loving my father, I didn't hear a word you said.
Goneril
starts chanting.
GONERIL
I
love my Dad! I love my Dad!
I love my Dad!
Regan
puts her hands over her own ears and chants more loudly:
REGAN
I
love him more! I love him more!
Goneril
grabs Regan by the neck and starts choking her.
GONERIL
Knock
it off! I love the big baboon just
as much
as you do!
Regan
breaks away from Goneril and gulps in her breath before she can speak.
She decides not to argue any longer.
REGAN
(panting
for breath)
Okay...
We both... love... the old goat... equally.
KING
LEAR
You
touch our heart, both of you. To
Regan and
her husband Cornwall we impart this ample third
of our fair kingdom.
And now our joy, our youngest
daughter Cordelia, what say you?
CORDELIA
What.
KING LEAR
CORDELIA
What!
KING LEAR
You
haven't been paying attention, have you?
CORDELIA
Yes
I have.
KING LEAR
Then
perhaps you will enlighten us. What
did we
just inquire of you?
CORDELIA
KING LEAR
CORDELIA
You
mean before you asked me to say what?
KING LEAR
Yes!
CORDELIA
I
don't remember!
King
Lear takes a moment to calm himself down before proceeding.
KING LEAR
of us.
CORDELIA
I
think you're being awfully silly.
GONERIL
It's
clear she doesn't respect you at all!
CORDELIA
Of
course I respect him! He's been
like a
father to me!
KING LEAR
I
am your father!
CORDELIA
to me! I wouldn't respect you for acting like my
father if you
weren't my father, would I?
GONERIL
You're
not going to give this ungrateful witch any
of your kingdom, are you?
REGAN
shown you, we deserve her share!
GONERIL
If
you have any respect for yourself at all, you'll
exile this little traitor!
KING LEAR
Silence!!!
We remember, when we were a lad,
our father the King expounded to us upon
our
duties of filial devotion. "Prince
Lear," he said, "if
every day you demonstrate to us the complete and
total adoration that a son owes to his progenitor,
then when we die you shall be
the king and live in
ease and luxury. But
if even once you fail to show
us perfect love, then we shall disown you utterly,
abandon you to the elements, and leave you to die
in misery, cold and
hunger." So I killed him. Conked
him in the cranium right then and there.
No use
taking any chances, I thought.
Cordelia, we have to
make sure you won't be around to conk us in our
cranium!
CORDELIA
Oh,
don't be silly! I could never do
that!
KING LEAR
You
couldn't?
CORDELIA
Of
course not! I don't even know where
our
cranium is!
KING LEAR
Here
I disclaim all my parental care!
KENT
Good
my Liege –
KING LEAR
Peace,
Kent! Come not between the dragon
and
his wrath! We do invest our
power in Goneril and
Regan, keeping for our self one hundred knights
and the name
of King. Our loving daughters shall
sustain and care for us!
KENT
Royal
Lear, this is madness! You are
making a
terrible mistake! It is
wrong! It is evil!
KING LEAR
What!
You dare to question me! You
vassal!
You miscreant!
You have ten days to leave
England forever!
Out of my sight!
KENT
Very
well! Freedom lives hence, and
banishment
is here!
Kent exits. Enter Gloucester, still carrying Edmund, followed by the KING OF FRANCE and the LORD OF BURGUNDY. The Lord of Burgundy is a vain, stingy man, who claims to be thirty-nine, but is in fact quite a bit older. The King of France smokes a cigar and smiles between puffs. He is a perfect husband for Cordelia.
CORNWALL
Here
are the King of France the and Lord of
Burgundy, my noble Lord.
KING LEAR
My
Lord of Burgundy, you and the King of France
have been rivals for our daughter,
Cordelia. What
is the smallest
dowry you would require to take her
as your wife?
BURGUNDY
For
this wonderful girl? I hate to ask
anything, and
I certainly wouldn't expect more than what you've
already offered,
your Highness, a third of your
kingdom.
KING LEAR
That
was what we offered when she was dear to
us, but now her price has fallen.
CORDELIA
He's
mad because I said he was like my father.
KING LEAR
This
ungrateful wretch wouldn't say how much
she loved me!
BURGUNDY
She's so young, and
tender and innocent. So
unspoiled.....
KING LEAR
So
I've disinherited her!
BURGUNDY
KING OF FRANCE
KING LEAR
again!
Lear
exits, followed by everyone except for Burgundy, the King of France, Cordelia,
Goneril and Regan.
BURGUNDY
But
why do you want her? She hasn't any
dowry!
KING OF FRANCE
of France, she'd be worth a fortune in vaudeville.
Say goodnight, Cordelia.
CORDELIA
Goodnight
everybody.
The
King of France leads Cordelia off. Burgundy
follows them.
REGAN
disinherited Cordelia.
GONERIL
Is
he crazy or just drunk?
REGAN
GONERIL
We'd
better be careful, or he could turn against
us the same way he turned against
Cordelia and
Kent!
REGAN
We
shall further think on it.
GONERIL
We
must do something!
Regan and Goneril exit.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
Edmund
sits in a window frame (so that the actor playing Gloucester may operate him
from behind and below the window) in the castle of the Earl of Gloucester.
Edmund holds a letter in his hand. (Okay,
being a ventriloquist's dummy, he can't exactly hold
the letter, but it is in his hand.)
EDMUND
Thou, Nature, art my Goddess.
I don't believe in
man made laws. Why
should my brother Edgar
get everything, just because my father had the bad
taste
to marry Edgar's mother? Well, I'll
soon take
care of that. Ooops, here
comes Dad.
Edmund
becomes still. A moment later,
Gloucester enters and picks him up.
GLOUCESTER
Hello, Edmund. I
can't get over what happened in
Court today!
Kent banished! Cordelia
disinherited!
Edmund
waves the letter back and forth, as though fanning himself with it.
EDMUND
Yes, and it certainly is warm in here, isn't it?
He
continues to wave the letter, but Gloucester ignores it.
Finally, Edmund hits Gloucester in the face with it.
GLOUCESTER
What is that thing?
EDMUND
What, this? I
was hoping you wouldn't notice it.
It's
just a letter from Edgar.
GLOUCESTER
Oh, is that all? I
certainly am upset about what
happened in court today.
Kent banished!!!
EDMUND
Yes, there's no reason for you to be interested in
this
letter. I'm sure Edgar was just
kidding when
he said he wanted to kill you!
GLOUCESTER
What?
EDMUND
He said he wanted to kill you for your money.
GLOUCESTER
Let me see that!
Gloucester
grabs the letter, opens it, and reads it aloud.
GLOUCESTER
"Dear Edmund, I want to kill Dad for his money.
Love, Edgar." Are you sure Edgar wrote this?
I could have sworn he didn't know how to write.
EDMUND
Well, um, he dictated it to me.
That's how I
know for certain it's from him!
GLOUCESTER
This is monstrous!
He's a villain! An abhorred
villain! Unnatural, detested,
brutish villain!
Worse than
brutish!
EDMUND
He isn't very nice, is he?
Gloucester
placed Edmund back in the window, and starts to exit.
GLOUCESTER
(as
he exits)
I'll find him and have him punished. My horoscope
predicted there was trouble coming.
We're in for
bad times, I'm afraid!
Gloucester exits.
EDMUND
You don't know the half of it!
Edgar
enters through the window Edmund is sitting in, and sits beside Edmund.
Edgar is played by another ventriloquist's dummy.
(Or, like Edmund, he could be played by a live actor, but the stage
directions will assume he is a dummy.) He
is an incredibly stupid, bucktoothed hayseed.
EDMUND
Edgar! Just
the man I want to see. Do you
know something?
EDGAR
Uh, nope! Nope.
Probably not.
EDMUND
Someone's been saying bad things about you to
our
father. Do you have any idea who
might have
done it?
EDGAR
Well... um... let's
see... I'm pretty sure it wasn't me.
EDMUND
Good. We'll
rule you out. Has anyone else been
criticizing you?
EDGAR
Yup. Uh..
hmmm... Somebody said... I should
be
able to remember this... They
said... um... I know
they said
something...
EDMUND
You haven't got a clue, have you?
EDGAR
That's it! That's
what they said!
EDMUND
Edgar, how can you be so stupid?
EDGAR
I get a lot of practice.
EDMUND
You're in terrible trouble!
Your life is in danger!
EDGAR
Yup! Well,
that's the way it goes.
EDMUND
You have to hide until I tell you things are safe.
Go! Get out of here!
EDGAR
Um....Okay.
Edmund
pushes Edgar out the window.
EDMUND
Let me, if not by birth, have lands by wit.
All with
me's meet that I can fashion fit.
Edmund exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 3
In
the castle of the Duke of Albany, Goneril talks to OSWALD, her steward.
GONERIL
Did my father strike you for chiding of his Fool?
OSWALD
Aye, Madam.
GONERIL
By day and night, he wrongs me!
I'll not endure
it. When he
returns from hunting, I will not speak
with him. Say I am sick.
OSWALD
Yes, Madam.
GONERIL
And let his knights have colder looks among you.
I will write to my sister and tell her to hold my very
course.
Prepare for dinner!
Goneril
exits one way, and Oswald goes off in the other direction.
*********************************************************
Scene 4
In
another part of the castle of the Duke of Albany, Kent enters, disguised as a
peasant. He no longer wears a
beard.
KENT
Now banished Kent, although the King thinks
you gone, in this disguise, with beard shaven
off, you may yet do him service here unrecognized.
Enter
King Lear with KNIGHTS and other ATTENDANTS.
KING LEAR
Home are the hunters, home from the hunt!
I
performed prodigious feats of marksmanship
today, if you'll excuse the braggadocio. Ah,
what magnificent beasts did I slay today with
my mighty bow and arrows!
An
Attendant looks at a list of the creatures killed by the King.
Let's see: you
shot your best bloodhound, one
horse, two cows and a serf.
KING LEAR
No boars?
ATTENDANT
No boars.
KING LEAR
What about the serf.
Wouldn't you say he was a
bit uncultivated... somewhat crude?
ATTENDANT
He wasn't exactly genteel.
KING LEAR
Put him down as a bore.
The
Attendant corrects his list.
KING LEAR
(triumphantly)
The King hath killed a boar!
The
King notices Kent.
KING LEAR
Who are you?
KENT
A man, no less than I seem.
KING LEAR
No more, either. What
do you want?
KENT
To serve you!
KING LEAR
Fine! Serve
me a bottle of the good stuff. I'm
thirsty.
Kent
bows and exits.
KING LEAR
And I want my dinner, and my daughter, and my
fool!
ATTENDANT
Since Cordelia went to France, the Fool has pined
away.
KING LEAR
No more of that!
Oswald
enters and crosses the stage.
KING LEAR
You! Where's
my daughter?
Oswald exits, ignoring the King.
KING LEAR
Didn't I speak?
Can't a monarch get any service
in this establishment?
Kent
comes back with a bottle of wine upon a tray.
KING LEAR
About time!
King
Lear takes a good strong drink from the bottle.
KING LEAR
Where's my Fool? I
haven't seen my Fool for two
days!
Oswald
enters and starts to cross the stage again.
KING LEAR
It's you again. Do
you know who I am?
Oswald
ignores the King again, but Kent grabs him and brings him before the King.
KING LEAR
Who am I?
OSWALD
(contemptuously)
My Lady's father.
KING LEAR
Your Lady's father???
You dog! You knave!
You cur!
King
Lear raises the bottle of wine to hit Oswald with it, then realizes he doesn't
want to spill any of the wine, so he carefully puts the wine down, takes the
serving tray from Kent, and conks Oswald on top of his head with the serving
tray.
OSWALD
I'll not be struck, my Lord!
KENT
Nor tripped, neither.
Kent
trips Oswald, and pushes him offstage.
KING LEAR
Well enacted. Nicely
done.
Enter
Lear's FOOL. The Fool wears motley,
has a greasepaint mustache, and carries a cigar.
He lopes across the stage to Kent.
FOOL
I'll say. I
take my hat off to you. In fact, I
give my
hat to you.
The
fool removes his hat (a coxcomb) and hands it to Kent.
KENT
Why?
FOOL
I don't like it. It
doesn't go with my cigar. But it
goes
with you. And you go with it.
And the sooner the
better! Go!
Scram!
KENT
But I came here to serve the King.
FOOL
You can take him with you.
And you can take me too.
I
don't think I'm appreciated here.
The
Fool breaks into song.
FOOL
(singing)
There was a King
Who had two wicked daughters,
Under the greenwood tree!
The
only nice one went to France,
Where ladies wear
Lace underpants.
Hey nonny, knobby knees!
And so my King,
I'm expecting lots of slaughter
Under the greenwood tree.
And that is why I say,
The rain
It rainth every day.
Hey nonny, knobby knees!
KING LEAR
You call that funny?
FOOL
If you think you can do better, we could change
jobs. Or did we already do that,
Nuncle?
KING LEAR
Are you calling me a fool?
FOOL
You gave away all your other titles.
That one you
were born with, Nuncle.
The
Fool wags his eyebrows up and down at Lear.
KENT
Why does he keep calling you "Nuncle"?
KING LEAR
It's short for "mine uncle," a term of
endearment.
FOOL
Actually, it's short for "Nuncle-head," a
term of
contempt. Which reminds me,
Nuncle, I've got a
riddle for you. What's
the difference between a
dung heap and a stupid old king who gives everything
away to his two wicked daughters?
KING LEAR
A dung heap and a stupid old king? Hmmmm. I
know!
The answer is that when a fool displeases
the king, the king can force
the fool to eat the dung
heap!
FOOL
That's true. I
don't know why I didn't think of that.
You
know, I'd rather be anything in the world than a
fool.
Except you. Or am I being
redundant?
Goneril
enters, looking angry.
KING LEAR
How now, daughter?
Where have you been?
GONERIL
Never mind that! It's time we talked about those
hundred knights of yours! The way
they've been
behaving, this place is more like a tavern or a brothel
than a
palace.
KING LEAR
(smiling)
Yes, I know. I
know.
GONERIL
That was a complaint!
KING LEAR
Oh, was it? I'm
sorry. I'll have to make a mental
note of that. Palace is good;
tavern and brothel are
bad.
GONERIL
What do you need all those men for anyway?
I want
you to get rid of half of them.
KING LEAR
If you insist, my child, I shall notify them of their
termination, and advise them to depart within a
fortnight!
GONERIL
Not a fortnight! Tonight!
This instance!
KING LEAR
Might they not finish their repast, and join me in a
final quaff of ale before they go?
GONERIL
No! I knew
you'd be difficult about this, so in order
to insure some decent behavior around
here, I just
poured out all your alcohol.
KING LEAR
(enraged)
Devils and darkness!
Saddle my horses! Thou
marble-
hearted fiend! Go, go my
people!
Lear's
knights and attendants scurry off to get ready to leave Albany's palace.
Albany enters, confused by the commotion.
King Lear continues to berate Goneril.
KING LEAR
Blasts and fogs upon thee!
Hear me, Nature! If this
creature ever conceives a child, let it stamp wrinkles in
her brow, and turn her
pains to laughter and contempt,
so that she may feel how sharper than a
serpent's tooth
it is to have a thankless child! Away! Away!
I have
one daughter left.
Exit
Lear, followed by his Fool and Kent. Only
Albany and Goneril remain on stage.
ALBANY
What's the matter?
GONERIL
Oh, I poured out all his booze.
Goneril
shouts for her steward.
GONERIL
Oswald!
Oswald
enters.
GONERIL
Did you write that letter to my sister?
OSWALD
Aye, Madam.
GONERIL
Then go and deliver it to her!
Get you gone!
Oswald
exits.
ALBANY
I don't like this.
How far your eyes may
pierce I cannot tell; striving to better, oft we
mar what's well.
Albany and Goneril exit.
*********************************************************
Outside
of Albany's palace, Lear prepares to leave for Gloucester, where he hopes to
find Regan. Lear gives instructions
to Kent, while the Fool watches.
KING LEAR
Go you before with these letters. Tell my
daughter Regan and her husband Cornwall that
I am
coming.
KENT
I will not sleep, my Lord, until I have delivered
your letter.
Kent
exits.
FOOL
Do you really think Regan is going to treat you any
better than Goneril did?
KING LEAR
She would not refuse me a libation to wet my
parched
throat.
FOOL
I suppose she might give you a glass of water.
KING LEAR
Water!!!! A beast would not show such odious
ingratitude!
FOOL
You know, you're a pretty funny fellow.
With a
little training, you could be both Lear and his Fool –
and I
could go home!
KING LEAR
Let me not go mad.
FOOL
I'll teach you a riddle.
This is a classic, one of the
finest riddles of all time.
Do you know why there
are no more than seven stars in the Pleiades?
KING LEAR
Because there are not eight?
FOOL
That's a pretty good answer.
I was going to say,
"To keep his pants up."
But I like your answer
better. You're
pretty smart for a man who's as
stupid as you are.
KING LEAR
Let me be not mad, sweet heaven. I would not
be mad! I
had an uncle who was mad.... Uncle
Theophilus.
He believed if he killed a lion,
tore out its heart and ate it while it beat, he
would gain the strength and courage of the lion.
FOOL
Did it work?
KING LEAR
I don't know. Uncle Theophilus never killed
anything larger than a duck.
FOOL
So if a lion had eaten your Uncle Theophilus, would
the
lion have gained the strength and courage of
Uncle Theophilus, or the strength
and courage of
a duck?
KING LEAR
I fear there was little difference, my boy.
Very
little indeed.
Enter
a GENTLEMAN in Lear's service.
KING LEAR
Are the horses ready?
GENTLEMAN
Ready, my Lord.
KING LEAR
Come, boy.
Everyone
exits.
*********************************************************
Act II
Scene 1
A
room in the Earl of Gloucester's castle. Edmund
is sitting in a window. CURAN, a
courtier, enters.
EDMUND
Save thee, Curan.
CURAN
And you, Sir. I
have been with your father.
EDMUND
Oh? Did he
say what he plans to do to my
brother, when he finds him?
CURAN
No.
EDMUND
Edgar is a vile, treacherous, depraved, scheming,
murderous villain, but aside from that, he's a good
boy.
I hope my father won't torture him too
severely before he kills him.
CURAN
Did you know the Duke of Cornwall, and Regan
his
Duchess are coming here this night?
EDMUND
No, but I'm looking forward to seeing them again.
They're such a nice couple.
CURAN
Fare you well, sir.
Curan exits. Edmund looks around to make certain no one is watching, then he calls to his brother.
EDMUND
Brother! Brother,
come out! The coast is
clear!
Edgar!
Edgar
emerges from behind the window and sits next to Edmund.
EDMUND
Where were you?
EDGAR
I don't know. I
found such a good hiding place,
I couldn't find myself. Does this mean I win?
EDMUND
Win what?
EDGAR
Didn't I just beat you in a game of hide and
seek?
EDMUND
No!
EDGAR
Oh. You
beat me?
EDMUND
You were hiding from our father!
EDGAR
Oh! I beat
him!
EDMUND
He wants to kill you!
EDGAR
Well, he is a sore loser, isn't he!
EDMUND
He thinks you are a traitor.
Do you know what a
traitor is?
EDGAR
A kid who likes to swap baseball cards?
EDMUND
You'd better leave the castle before he kills you -
or
before I save him the trouble.
EDGAR
Where will I go?
EDMUND
I'm sure you'll think of something.
EDGAR
Could be. They
say there's a first time for
everything.
EDMUND
Get out of here!!!
Edmund
gives Edgar a shove. Edgar
disappears out the window. Edmund
looks after him for a moment, to make certain Edgar is gone, then he shouts for
his father:
EDMUND
Father! Father!
Come quickly! Edgar's
escaping!
A
moment later, Gloucester rushes on stage and picks up Edmund.
GLOUCESTER
Where? Where's
the villain?
EDMUND
Gone!
GLOUCESTER
Why didn't you stop him?
EDMUND
I tried! But
he pulled a knife on me! And a
sword!
And a cudgel! And an axe!
GLOUCESTER
All that? It's
lucky he didn't kill you!
EDMUND
He tried. But
all those weapons were so heavy,
when he raised them over his head to strike, he
overbalanced and fell out the window!
GLOUCESTER
You had a close call!
EDMUND
Yes, but I would gladly risk my life again and again
for my beloved father, even though I'm only his
poor illegitimate son who won't
even inherit any
of his property when he kicks the bucket!
GLOUCESTER
Don't you worry about that!
I've already changed
my will, and I'm leaving everything to you!
EDMUND
Oh! This
is so unexpected!
GLOUCESTER
Really?
EDMUND
Yes! I
thought you'd need at least a dozen more
hints.
Gloucester
looks offstage, and sees that Regan and Cornwall are about to enter.
GLOUCESTER
Look who's coming!
Enter
Regan and Cornwall. Cornwall grasps
Gloucester by the hand.
CORNWALL
My noble friend. We
have heard the grievous
news!
EDMUND
What do you mean, grievous?
I'm gonna be rich!
REGAN
He means the news that Edgar sought his father's
life!
How are you, my Lord?
GLOUCESTER
My poor old heart is cracked!
It's cracked.
EDMUND
(perking
up)
Really?
Edmund
listens to Gloucester's heart, and is disappointed to hear it beating normally.
REGAN
Didn't Edgar associate with those riotous knights
that
serve my father! I blame them!
They're a
bad influence! In
fact, that's one of the things we
came to talk to you about.
GLOUCESTER
(bowing)
I serve you, Madam.
Your Graces are right
welcome.
Everyone
exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
Outside
Gloucester's castle, Kent and Oswald enter from opposite sides of the stage.
Oswald does not recognize Kent.
OSWALD
Good dawning to thee, friend.
Art of this house?
KENT
Aye.
OSWALD
Where shall I put my horse?
KENT
Are you staying here a while?
OSWALD
Yes.
KENT
Then put your horse in your room.
OSWALD
Put him in my room?
What about the smell???
KENT
He'll get used to it.
OSWALD
Why do you insult me?
I don't even know
you.
KENT
I know you. Don't
you remember me, oaf?
I tripped you
up at your mistress's castle.
Draw
your sword!
Kent
draws his sword. Oswald screams for
help and scampers away from Kent.
OSWALD
Help! Help!
Enter
Gloucester, carrying Edmund, followed by Regan and Cornwall.
Cornwall and Gloucester separate Kent and Oswald.
EDMUND
What's going on here?
REGAN
These are the messengers from my sister and the
King.
KENT
This man is a knave, a cowardly rascal, and a
whoreson
lying villain. Draw your sword,
oaf!
Kent
tries to go after Oswald, but Cornwall and Gloucester keep them apart.
KENT
Whatever message this man brings cannot be
trusted.
EDMUND
(to
Regan)
What message did he bring?
REGAN
That my father's men are ruffians who are always
starting fights.
Kent
looks at his own drawn sword and realized that he cannot deny the charge.
KENT
Okay, that can be trusted.
But he is still a filthy,
lily-livered rouge!
CORNWALL
(calling
off-stage)
Fetch the stocks!
We'll teach this man a lesson!
KENT
And well he deserves to learn it!
CORNWALL
Not him! You!!!
KENT
Me!!!
REGAN
(calling
offstage, as her husband did)
Fetch the stocks!
KENT
But I serve the King!
REGAN
You are not fit to serve!
I cannot abide an
uncouth ruffian. Servants
to the royal family
must have stature, dignity, and above all
refinement.
Enter
three Servants: The FIRST SERVANT
is a mean bossy man with his hair in bangs.
The SECOND SERVANT has particularly fuzzy hair.
The THIRD SERVANT is a fat, bald idiot.
The Third Servant has his hands in the holes of a set of stocks, as
though he were imprisoned. However,
because this set of stocks is designed to hold legs rather than arms, the holes
are large enough so that Third Servant can easily remove his arms, when he wants
to. The Three Servants greet Regan
one at a time.
FIRST SERVANT
Your Highness!
The
First Servant kneels, with his head bowed, upstage of the other Servants.
SECOND SERVANT
Your Highness!
The
Second Servant, kneels with his head bowed, downstage of the other Servants.
THIRD SERVANT
We're Low-ness!
The
Third Servant tries to kneel between the other Servants, but when he does so, he
hits his companions on their head with the stocks.
They scream in pain and jump to their feet. The First Servant hits the Third Servant on the top of his
head, and the Third Servant squeals. Then
they all turn back to Regan.
FIRST SERVANT
Here are the stocks you asked for.
THIRD SERVANT
Guess where we got it?
At the stock market!!!
The
Third Servant chuckles, and the First Servant slaps him. When the First Servant turns back to face Regan and Cornwall,
the Third Servant withdraws his right hand from the stocks and hits the First
Servant on the back of the head. The
Third Servant quickly puts his hand back in the stocks.
The First Servant turns angrily, sees that the Third Servant has his
hands in the stocks, and decides the Second Servant must have struck him.
FIRST SERVANT
What's the big idea of hitting me?
The
First Servant slaps the Second Servant.
SECOND SERVANT
Hey, he's the one who smacked you. He took his
hand out of the stocks!
The
Second Servant points at the Third Servant, and the First Servant eyes him
suspiciously.
FIRST SERVANT
Do you promise me you can't get your hands out
of those
stocks?
The
Third Servant takes out his right hand and holds it palm out as he swears.
THIRD SERVANT
I swear it!
The
First Servant hits the Third Servant on the head.
EDMUND
Good help is
hard to find.
CORNWALL
(pointing
at Kent)
Put this man in the stocks!
KENT
You wouldn't treat your father's dog this way!
The
Servants lock Kent's legs in the stocks.
EDMUND
That's true. I've
never seen a dog in the stocks.
CORNWALL
We'll leave him there till noon.
REGAN
Till noon? Till
night, my Lord, and all night too!
Regan
and Cornwall exit with their servants. Edmund
looks at Kent, then turns to Gloucester.
EDMUND
Can we take off his shoes and tickle his feet?
GLOUCESTER
I don't think that would be a good idea.
EDMUND
You're right, they're probably filthy.
Gloucester
approaches Kent.
GLOUCESTER
I'm sorry you are being treated this way.
The
Duke's to blame!
Gloucester
exits with Edmund.
KENT
Fortune, goodnight.
Smile once more, turn thy
wheel.
*********************************************************
Scene 3
The
same location, outside Gloucester's castle, with Kent in the stocks.
Edgar looks up from behind a wall, where he has been hiding.
EDGAR
I heard... I
heard... I'm sure I heard
something.
Kent
notices Edgar.
KENT
Hello. Are
you not Edgar who is proclaimed a
traitor throughout the land, condemned to die
the
death for plotting to kill his own father, the Earl
of Gloucester?
EDGAR
Uh, could you repeat the question?
KENT
Are you not Edgar who is proclaimed a traitor
throughout the land, condemned to die the
death for plotting to kill his own
father, the Earl
of Gloucester?
EDGAR
That's starting to ring a bell.
KENT
All your father's soldiers seek to lay their
hands on
you and subject you to the most vile
torture.
EDGAR
Yup. That's
the way it goes, all right.
KENT
Did you really plot against your father?
EDGAR
I doubt it. I'm
not too good at plotting.
KENT
You're not?
EDGAR
Nope. I
have trouble plotting to wake up
in the morning.
KENT
Then you had better disguise yourself. Grime
your face with filth, rend your clothing, and
call
yourself poor Tom of Bedlam, the mad
beggar.
Can you do that, for your life depends
upon it!
EDGAR
Let's see, I grime my filth with clothing, rend
my
face, and call a beggar names until he's
mad at me.
That shouldn't be a problem.
KENT
Edgar, how can you be so stupid?
EDGAR
I think it runs in the family.
KENT
Go hide! And
remember, if anyone finds you,
you're poor Tom!
EDGAR
Poor Tom! Poor
Tom.
Edgar
exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 4
The
same location, outside Gloucester's castle, with Kent still in the stocks.
Enter King Lear, talking to his Fool.
KING LEAR
'Tis strange that they should so depart from
home, and
not send back my messenger.
Kent calls to Lear from the stocks, and Lear notices him there for the first time.
KENT
Hail to thee, noble master.
Ha? My
messenger!!! Did you, by any
chance, voluntarily elect to confine your
limbs within these wooden fetters?
KENT
No.
KING LEAR
Then am I to assume, as it were, that
someone else has
placed you here?
KENT
That would be a correct assumption.
KING LEAR
Vengeance, plague, death and confusion!
This is an insult to my royal personage!
KENT
It wasn't exactly a compliment to me, either.
KING LEAR
Who hath committed this violent outrage?
KENT
Regan and Cornwall.
KING LEAR
No!
KENT
Yes!
KING LEAR
No, I say!
KENT
I say yes.
KING LEAR
It is worse than murder!
Stay here!
KENT
I don't have much choice in the matter.
King
Lear goes off to enter the castle. Kent
speaks to the Fool.
KENT
Where are all the King's followers?
FOOL
You're looking at him.
KENT
You?
FOOL
Yeah, and I'm leaving if I get a decent offer
from the
King of France. I'd make a great
French Fool.
The
Fool starts imitating the sort of juvenile, silly, over-the-top comedian who
might appeal to a French King.
FOOL
(doing
an imitation)
Oh boy! I
love France. France, with the
thing
and the thing and the snails to eat!
KENT
I believe the current King of France favors
Cordelia's
humor.
FOOL
(dropping
the imitation)
That's any even better reason to go.
KENT
But why have King Lear's followers deserted
him?
FOOL
If they put you in the stocks for asking that
question,
you deserved it. Kings are supposed
to be strong and powerful. That's
what makes
them popular. This King
is as powerful as a
ninety year old prostitute with an advanced
case of
syphilis, but not nearly as popular...
or attractive...or hygienic.
King
Lear returns, accompanied by Gloucester, who is carrying Edmund.
KING LEAR
Where is my offspring, my child, my little
daughter, my
issue Regan?
EDMUND
What was that last part?
KING LEAR
Issue Regan! Issue
Regan!
EDMUND
No, I isn't regin'.
KING LEAR
Let me be clear.
EDMUND
You can try, but you better sober up first.
KING LEAR
Silence, you little blockhead!
I demand to
see my daughter.
GLOUCESTER
But your majesty, you can't...
KING LEAR
(interrupting)
No buts! The
King can see anyone or anything!
EDMUND
Especially after he's had a snootful... which in
your
case must be about six quarts.
KING LEAR
The King would speak with Cornwall and his
wife!
Enter
Cornwall and Regan, followed by their three servants.
During the ensuing dialogue, the servants unlock the stocks and set Kent
free. Then the servants exit.
CORNWALL
Hail to your Grace.
REGAN
I am glad to see your Highness.
KING LEAR
I think you are indeed... unlike your sister,
that
sharp-toothed vulture. You would
not
give credence to the depths of her depravity...
REGAN
(interrupting)
Oh no! Not
Goneril!
KING LEAR
I hate her!
REGAN
I'm sure you misunderstood her.
You are old,
and are likely to misunderstand. I pray you,
return and tell her you have wronged her.
KING LEAR
Apologize to her???
What would you have me
say?
King
Lear gets down on his knees.
KING LEAR
Dear Daughter, I confess that I am old.
Age
is unnecessary. On my
knees, I beg that you
will grant me fresh rags to wear, straw to
sleep upon, and
a tiny crust of stale bread to
eat.
Goneril
enters as Lear completes his speech. She
answers him.
GONERIL
All right, but no booze!
Regan
hurries to Goneril, and the two sisters kiss each other on the cheek.
REGAN
How good of you to come and take back our
father.
GONERIL
Only if he promises to mend his ways.
The
two sisters turn to address their father.
REGAN
Exactly! You
should act your age....
GONERIL
Spend your evenings in a rocking chair...
REGAN
Playing checkers...
GONERIL
Singing hymns...
REGAN
And drinking lemonade.
KING LEAR
(in
a towering rage)
You unnatural hags!
I will have such revenges
on you both that all the world shall... I will
do
such things, what they are yet I know not, but
they shall be the terrors of
the Earth! You
think I'll weep.
No, I'll not weep. I have full
cause of weeping, but this heart will break into
a hundred thousand fragments before I'll weep!
Oh Fool, I shall go mad!
Lear
exits, followed by his Fool and Kent.
GLOUCESTER
Wait!
Gloucester
runs after them.
CORNWALL
Let us withdraw. A
storm is coming.
GONERIL
Whatever happens to our father, he's brought
it on
himself.
Gloucester
returns.
GLOUCESTER
The King is in high rage.
GONERIL
It's his own fault!
REGAN
If he wants to run out into the storm, let him.
Maybe this will teach him a lesson.
CORNWALL
Shut up the doors, my Lord.
'Tis a wild night.
My Regan
counsels well. Come out of the
storm.
Everyone
exits.
*********************************************************
Act III
Scene 1
A
heath outside of the Earl of Gloucester's castle.
A storm is raging, very, very, loudly.
Enter Kent from one side of the stage and an ITALIAN GENTLEMAN from the
other side. They have to shout to
hear each other above the storm.
KENT
Who's there, besides foul weather?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Owl leather? I haven't got any owl
leather!
KENT
Not leather! Weather!
Weather!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Sure it's wetter. That's what
happens when it rains.
Everything gets wetter.
KENT
(aside)
I know this man. He
is brother to the King's Fool.
Kent
turns back to the Italian Gentleman and shouts to be heard above the storm.
KENT
I seek the King!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
You sink the King?
KENT
I seek! I seek!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Well if you're sick, you shouldn't be out here in
this storm!
KENT
I have to find King Lear. I've
heard Cordelia is
coming to Dover with an army from France. If
you see the King, take him to Dover. Do
you
know where Dover is?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Sure. It's d'over there!
The
Italian Gentleman points in the direction of Dover.
KENT
Fie on this storm! I will go seek
the King.
Kent
exits in one direction and the Italian Gentlemen exits the other way.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
The
storm continues to rage loudly in another part of the heath.
Enter King Lear and his Fool.
KING LEAR
Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks. Rage, blow!
Spit fire! Come drench the
wretched father of
Regan and Goneril!
From high offstage, someone throws a cup of water, representing rainfall, onto Lear. (Lear is standing toward the side of the stage, so the water is able to reach him.)
FOOL
If I didn't have my reputation as a professional
comic to think of, I'd say you were all wet.
KING LEAR
I tax you not, you elements, with unkindness.
I
never gave you kingdom, called you children.
Not like my daughters, Regan and Goneril.
Another
cupful of water is thrown from high offstage, wetting King Lear.
KING LEAR
Here I stand, your slave, a poor, infirm, weak,
and despised old man.
FOOL
Don't forget wet.
KENT
Alas, sir, are you here? Things
that love night love
not such nights as these.
KING LEAR
This night has joined forces with my two pernicious
daughters, Regan and Goneril!
A cup of water is thrown from offstage onto the King.
KING LEAR
I am a man more sinned against than sinning!
FOOL
And more wetted against than wetting.
KENT
I know a hovel nearby, where we may seek
shelter from the storm.
The King walks over to the Fool, and puts his arm around him.
KING LEAR
My poor fool. Look how we are
treated by Regan
and Goneril!
A
cupful of water hits the King and the Fool.
KING LEAR
My wits begin to turn.
FOOL
In which direction? You know, I can
remember
when I had enough sense to come in out of the
rain. Ah, those
were the days.
KING LEAR
Come on, my boy. How dost, my boy?
Art
cold?
I am cold myself.
King
Lear turns to Kent.
KING LEAR
Come, bring us to this hovel!
Kent
leads the others off stage.
*********************************************************
Scene 3
Gloucester's
castle. Enter Gloucester, carrying
Edmund.
GLOUCESTER
Alack, alack, Edmund. I like not
this unnatural
dealing.
EDMUND
You sound like you've been playing cards with
King Lear.
GLOUCESTER
No, I mean the way the King's daughters have
been dealing with him. Letting him
out into the
storm! Can you
believe a child would treat a
parent to cruelly?
EDMUND
It is shocking, isn't it! Most
savage and unnatural!
GLOUCESTER
Can you keep a secret?
EDMUND
My lips are sealed, which is more than I can say
for yours.
GLOUCESTER
I have some secret intelligence!
EDMUND
And you've kept it secret for years!
GLOUCESTER
It's all spelled out in a letter I received, which I've
hidden in my room. It says the
Dukes of Albany
and Cornwall aren't getting along. And
what's
more, Cordelia is coming back from France with
an army! It looks like there will
be a bitter three-way
struggle for England. Be very
careful Edmund!
Trust no one!
EDMUND
Oh, I won't! I won't!
Gloucester
puts Edmund down in a window, and exits. After
Edmund has exited, the actor playing Edmund sneaks back behind and under the
window, unseen by the audience, so that he can operate Edmund.)
EDMUND
I wonder what Regan and Cornwall will give me
for that letter. It should draw me
that which my
father loses; not less than all. The
younger rises
when the old doth fall.
Edmund
exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 4
The heath in front of a hovel, near Gloucester's castle. The storm continues to rage, although not quite so loudly as before. Enter King Lear, Kent and the Fool. Lear is more relaxed for the moment.
KENT
Here is the place, my Lord.
Kent
opens the door to the hovel, but Lear ignores him.
KENT
Good my Lord, enter.
The night's too
rough for nature to endure.
KING LEAR
Let me alone.
KENT
My Lord, enter here.
KING LEAR
You go in. I prefer the storm.
It's touch is kind
compared with my ungrateful daughters, Regan
and Goneril!
From
high offstage, a cupful of water is thrown on King Lear.
KING LEAR
In such a night, to shut me out! Pour on!
I will endure!
KENT
My Lord, please go in out of the storm.
KING LEAR
After you. This storm's fury is
gentle as a cooing
dove compared with my ungracious daughters,
Regan and Goneril!
Another
cupful of water splashes on King Lear.
KING LEAR
Your poor old father gave you all!
Edgar
sticks his head out from the open door of the hovel.
EDGAR
Excuse me, but would you mind closing the door?
It's getting cold in here!
KENT
It's poor Tom o' Bedlam!
EDGAR
Oh. Hello, Tom.
You can come in, if you want
to.
KENT
No, no! You're Tom!
EDGAR
I am? Okay, then I can come in if I
want to. But
I'm already in.
FOOL
This guy's nuts!
KING LEAR
It must have been his cruel daughters, whose filial
ingratitude made him mad.
FOOL
What were their names again?
The
Fool is intentionally trying to get the King to say "Regan and
Goneril."
KING LEAR
Regan and Goneril!!!
A
cupful of water splashes on Lear.
FOOL
I'm going inside.
The
Fool goes inside, and Edgar disappears inside with him.
KENT
Go in, my Lord, I pray you.
Enter
Gloucester, searching in the storm.
GLOUCESTER
Who's there?
KENT
The King and his servant!
GLOUCESTER
My Lord, I had hoped to find you. Your
daughters will not let me bring you back to the
castle, but you shall have shelter here. I
will
bring you food and fire when I can.
Gloucester
enters the hovel, and comes out a moment later holding Edgar.
GLOUCESTER
Who is this? I believe I have seen
his face
somewhere else.
EDGAR
No, it's always been right between my ears!
KENT
He calls himself Tom o' Bedlam. Do
not concern
yourself with him. He is mad.
KING LEAR
His daughters drove him to dementia.
EDGAR
Nope, nope. I'm pretty sure I
walked here.
KING LEAR
I say it was his nefarious daughters!
The
Fool sticks his head out of the hovel.
FOOL
Daughters? What were the names of
your wicked
daughters?
Lear
pulls the Fool out of the hovel, and makes the Fool stand where Lear has been
standing when he's been hit by all the water.
Then Lear goes over to the other side of the stage, where he thinks he
will be out of reach of the water.
KING LEAR
Regan and Goneril!
A
cupful of water is thrown onto Lear from the other side of the stage.
GLOUCESTER
Go in! Go in!
Keep warm!
Lear
reaches to take Edgar from Gloucester.
KING LEAR
I want to converse with this wise philosopher
about his daughters and their dire cruelty.
EDGAR
Yup. That's the way it goes.
GLOUCESTER
Take him!
KING LEAR
Come, good Athenian.
King
Lear takes Edgar and goes into the hovel. Kent
and Gloucester and the Fool follow him in.
*********************************************************
Scene 5
Inside
Gloucester's castle. Enter Cornwall
carrying Edmund. Cornwall puts
Edmund down where he can be operated behind the scenes by the actor playing
Gloucester.
CORNWALL
I will have my revenge ere I depart his house.
Edmund
hands Cornwall the letter which Gloucester was hiding.
EDMUND
Here's the letter. I hope your
realize it isn't easy
for me to rat on my own father.
CORNWALL
It hath made thee Earl of Gloucester.
EDMUND
That makes it a little easier.
CORNWALL
I will put my trust in you, and you shall find a
dearer father in my love.
EDMUND
Thank you. Thank you.
Cornwall
departs.
EDMUND
If he's on the level, he's a bigger chump than my
old man.
Edmund exits through the window he has been sitting in.
*********************************************************
Scene 6
Inside
the hovel on the heath. There are
several stools and benches, and a cot. Enter
Kent and Gloucester, talking.
GLOUCESTER
Here is better than the open air. I will go back to
the castle and bring you what comfort I can.
KENT
The gods reward you for your kindness.
Exit
Gloucester. Enter King Lear,
carrying Edgar, and the Fool. King
Lear puts Edgar down in a window, next to Kent, then King Lear moves away to sit
down. Edgar speaks to Kent
privately.
EDGAR
Say, what's wrong with the guy with the big red
nose?
KENT
That's the King!
EDGAR
Oh. So that's it.
That explains it.
KENT
Explains what?
EDGAR
It explains he's the King!
KENT
He has lost his reason!
EDGAR
I didn't think Kings needed a reason.
KENT
I mean he is mad!
EDGAR
Oh. I thought that was me.
KENT
No, no! You only pretend to be mad!
EDGAR
Oh! Right.
That's right. How am I doing?
KENT
Most excellently!
EDGAR
Well, you know what they say. Some
of us got
it, and some of us can't give it away!
Abruptly,
the mad King decides to stage a trial.
KING LEAR
Hear ye! Hear ye!
Hear ye! It is propitious
that
we proceed with the inquisition of those two
daughters of iniquity: Goneril and
Regan!
FOOL
I dare you to step outside and say that!
KING LEAR
You learned sages shall be judges!
King
Lear points to the Fool and Edgar.
FOOL
Okay, I judge you're mad, and he's an idiot.
KING LEAR
I shall now interrogate the prisoners at the bar.
FOOL
Where else?
King
Lear points to an old, warped, wooden stool which he (in his madness) thinks is
Goneril.
KING LEAR
I take my oath before this honorable assembly
that this is Goneril, who kicked the poor King
her father!
The
Fool gets up and goes over to question the stool.
FOOL
Is your name Goneril?
KING LEAR
She cannot deny it!
FOOL
I beg your pardon. I mistook you
for a stool.
I hope you'll be chair-itable
and forgive me.
KING LEAR
And here stands her evil sister!
The
King points to another wooden stool.
FOOL
I can see the family resemblance.
King
Lear addresses the Fool and Edgar, as though he were addressing judges.
KING LEAR
I submit to you...
FOOL
(interrupting)
It's about time you submitted to me!
KING LEAR
These dreadful daughters have, ipso facto, ...
FOOL
(interrupting)
I've got a brother named Ipso.
Or is it Facto?
KING LEAR
These dreadful daughters would deny their father
even that shred of mercy shown to Socrates.
His executioners gave him a quick death by
hemlock!
EDGAR
Who?
FOOL
Hemlock, Prince of Denmark.
KING LEAR
My daughters want me to suffer a prolonged death
by lemonade. They would deny their
father that
sweet surcease of sorrow afforded by the loving
hand of gentle alcohol.
FOOL
Maybe they just want you stop shooting pink
elephants when company comes.
KING LEAR
It's a lie! A gross and palpable
canard! I never
shot a pink elephant in my life!
FOOL
Not even in your pink pajamas?
KING LEAR
Quite the antithesis. My aim is
hopeless when I've
been imbibing.
KENT
My good lord, lie here and rest awhile.
Kent leads King Lear over to the cot, where the King lies down.
KING LEAR
Make no noise. Draw the curtains.
I will drink my
supper in the morning.
Lear
falls asleep, and Kent pulls a blanket over him. .
There is a moment of silence, then the Fool speaks.
FOOL
I wonder what my brothers are up to. I think I'll
go look for them as soon as this scene is over.
Enter
Gloucester.
GLOUCESTER
Where is the King?
KENT
Here, sir, but his wits are gone.
GLOUCESTER
I have reason to believe his daughters plan
to murder him! Get him to Dover at
once!
Come,
come away!
Everyone
exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 7
Inside
Gloucester's castle. Enter Cornwall
carrying Edmund, followed by Regan, Goneril and the Three Servants.
Cornwall speaks first to Goneril and then to Edmund.
CORNWALL
Post speedily to my lord your husband. Show
him this letter. The army of France
is landed!
Edmund, you had better leave with Goneril.
The revenge we will take upon your father is not
fit for your beholding.
Goneril
takes the letter from Cornwall, and also takes Edmund. She exits, carrying Edmund.
Cornwall turns to the servants.
CORNWALL
Go, seek the traitor Gloucester.
The three servants exit.
CORNWALL
It might not be wise to take his life, but we shall
punish him for aiding the French invaders.
Enter
the servants, holding Gloucester.
CORNWALL
Bind him to that chair!
The
servants force Gloucester into a chair and tie him to it.
GLOUCESTER
What will you do to me?
CORNWALL
We know you have been conspiring with the
French who even now invade our lands!
REGAN
Where is the King? Where has he
gone?
GLOUCESTER
To Dover.
REGAN
Why to Dover?
GLOUCESTER
Because I would not see your cruel nails pluck
out his poor old eyes!
CORNWALL
See it shalt thou never!
Cornwall
takes out a dagger as he approaches the chair in which Gloucester is tied.
He speaks to the servants, who are beginning to look very upset.
CORNWALL
Hold the chair!
FIRST SERVANT
What are you going to do?
CORNWALL
Pluck out his eyes!
THIRD SERVANT
Don't you mean poke him in the eye?
CORNWALL
I said pluck and I meant pluck!
FIRST SERVANT
You can't do that!
CORNWALL
Why not?
THIRD SERVANT
It isn't funny!
FIRST SERVANT
Now if you were to poke him in the eye, that
would be funny. There's nothing funnier
than a
finger in the eye.
THIRD SERVANT
Unless its fingers in two eyes!
CORNWALL
I am not trying to be funny!
FIRST SERVANT
Okay, but don't ruin it for the rest of us!
The
first and third servants have moved in front of Gloucester.
CORNWALL
Get out of my way, your dogs!
The
third servant barks at Cornwall.
THIRD SERVANT
Ruff! Ruff!
FIRST SERVANT
Look, boss, why don't you try a poke. You might
like it.
CORNWALL
You mean like this?
Cornwall
slowly presses his fingers against Gloucester's eyes. Then he pushes his fingers in, blinding Gloucester.
Gloucester screams in agony!
GLOUCESTER
Augh! I cannot see!
I cannot see!
FIRST SERVANT
Why not?
GLOUCESTER
Because he has plucked out my eyes!
(A note about that last line. A friend of mine pointed out that to get a laugh, Gloucester's line should be "Because he plucked my eyes out." My friend was right, but I hadn't intended that line to be funny. So if you want to go for a moment of pain and horror, have Gloucester say, "Because he has plucked out my eyes!" If you want to go for the laugh, have him say, "Because he plucked my eyes out." )
FIRST SERVANT
(to Cornwall)
You shouldn't have done that!
THIRD SERVANT
That wasn't funny at all!
Cornwall takes his sword and hands it to the second servant, who has been cowering over to one side.
CORNWALL
You! Take this sword and kill these
impudent
villains!
SECOND SERVANT
What impudent villains?
CORNWALL
(pointing at the other servants)
Those impudent villains!
SECOND SERVANT
Oh, those impudent villains. Couldn't I just poke
them in the eye?
CORNWALL
Kill them, unless you wish to die yourself!
SECOND SERVANT
Okay. Sorry guys!
The second servant swings the sword way back over his head in order to deliver a blow, and he accidentally stabs Cornwall. Cornwall is fatally wounded, but he doesn't die immediately.
CORNWALL
Augh!
REGAN
Give me that sword!
Regan
grabs the sword and runs through all three servants at once!
They are all pierced by the sword like three pieces of meat on a shish
kabob.
FIRST, SECOND & THIRD
SERVANTS
Oh! We are slain!
They
die in unison.
GLOUCESTER
Where is Edmund? He will avenge
this atrocity!
REGAN
Edmund hates you! It was he that
informed us
of your treason!
GLOUCESTER
Then Edgar was abused!
Regan
unties Gloucester from the chair and shoves him from the room.
REGAN
Go out the gate! Smell your way to
Dover!
As
soon as Gloucester is gone, Regan turns to Cornwall, who is mortally wounded.
REGAN
How are you, my lord?
CORNWALL
Hurt. I bleed apace.
Give me your arm.
Regan
help him from the room.
*********************************************************
Act IV
Scene 1
On
the heath, on the way to Dover, Edgar sits on a stone wall. He hears something and looks offstage.
EDGAR
Who comes here?
Gloucester,
who is now blind, is led on stage by a very OLD MAN. The old man is very weak and tired, and he can barely walk.
OLD MAN
You must let me help you, my good lord.
I
have been your tenant and your father's tenant
for eighty years.
GLOUCESTER
Go away. No
one can help. As flies to wanton
boys are we to the gods. They kill
us for their
sport.
Gloucester
feels his way around the stage, and bumps into Edgar. He picks him up.
EDGAR
Look on the bright side.
Things could be worse.
And
I bet they will be.
OLD MAN
You call that the bright side???
EDGAR
Um. I
don't really know. I've never been
on the
bright side, myself.
GLOUCESTER
Who is this? His
voice is familiar.
OLD MAN
It's poor mad Tom.
GLOUCESTER
Then let him guide me to Dover.
OLD MAN
But he is mad!
GLOUCESTER
And you are old. I
trust his youth above your
wits. Mad
Tom, can you tell me how to get to
Dover?
EDGAR
Dover? Let's
see. You want to get to Dover?
Are you sure you don't want to get here.
Because
I could tell you how to get here.
GLOUCESTER
No, I don't want to get to here. I want to get to
Dover.
EDGAR
And this isn't Dover, is it?
GLOUCESTER
No.
EDGAR
Well then, if you want to go to Dover, I guess you
should start by going away from here!
GLOUCESTER
Never mind. We
will find it together. And when
we
get to Dover, you will take me to a cliff high
over the ocean. If we can find that cliff, I will need
no one to lead me from
there.
EDGAR
Uh, yup! That's
the way it goes. I will lead
you
to Dover.
GLOUCESTER
Good.
EDGAR
Will you lead me?
OLD MAN
Dover is that way!!!
The
old man grabs Gloucester and pushes him off in the direction of Dover.
Gloucester stumbles off, carrying Edgar.
The old man exits in the other direction.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
On the road to Albany's castle. Enter Goneril, carrying Edmund.
GONERIL
Welcome, my lord, to our castle. I marvel that
my mild husband did not meet us on the way.
She
puts him down in a window.
EDMUND
Your husband is a gentle man, isn't he?
GONERIL
He thinks too much of others.
I'll bet you don't
think too much of others.
EDMUND
Well, I don't think too much of your husband.
That's for sure!
Enter
Oswald, the servant.
GONERIL
Where is your master?
OSWALD
He is within. I
do not know what has come over
him. When
I told him the French army had
landed, he smiled. When I told him you were
coming, he scowled.
GONERIL
He is a spineless coward!
Oswald
exits.
GONERIL
Edmund, go back to the Duke of Cornwall and
lead his
army. I will command my husband's
forces.
EDMUND
We'll beat those French invaders.
GONERIL
You're so firm!
EDMUND
You noticed that, did you?
GONERIL
You are a man after my own heart!
EDMUND
And that's not all I'm after!
GONERIL
Bend your head.
Edmund bends his head, and Goneril kisses him passionately. When the kiss is over, she nearly swoons.
GONERIL
Fare thee well.
She
kisses him again. This time Edmund
swoons and falls backward out the window. Albany
enters.
GONERIL
(aside)
Oh the difference between man and man!
Goneril
turns and addresses her husband.
GONERIL
They say it is a poor dog that is not worth the
whistling. Why haven't you sent for
me? I am
worth the whistle.
ALBANY
Oh, Goneril, you are not worth the dust which
the rude
wind blows in your face. What have
you and your sister done to your poor father?
GONERIL
No more nor less than he deserved. I have
treated him according to his merits, what little
they
are. Would you have me welcome him
and the French to take all we own?
ALBANY
If you had left him a shred of dignity, the
French would not have come!
Enter
a messenger.
MESSENGER
My lord, the Duke of Cornwall is dead, slain
by his servants as he blinded Gloucester!
ALBANY
What? Gloucester,
blinded! And Cornwall dead?
GONERIL
(aside)
I don't like this.
It means that Regan is free to
pursue Edmund.
Goneril
exits.
ALBANY
Why didn't Edmund protect Gloucester?
MESSENGER
It was he that informed against his father.
ALBANY
Come, my friend, and tell me more of what you
know.
Exit
Albany and the messenger.
*********************************************************
Scene 3
Near
Dover, Kent enters with the Italian Gentleman from Act 3, Scene 1.
KENT
Why has the King of France so suddenly gone
back?
Know you the reason?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
I think he left the water running in France.
KENT
Did you tell Cordelia that King Lear was coming
to
Dover?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Yeah. He
thought that was very funny.
KENT
He??? Cordelia
is the King's daughter!!!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
He is?
KENT
She
is! She's a woman!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
That's funny. I
wonder why she was dressed up
like a big, hairy man.
Hey, I got it. I bet she was
in a shipwreck!
KENT
A shipwreck?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Sure. Her
brother drowned, but she's washed
up on an island where her father's a magician.
So she dresses up like a boy to work for the
Duke who she's in love with.
Only the Duke
thinks he's in love with someone else, so she
runs into the
forest and has a dream that the
fairies turned her into a big hairy man! And
that's why the King's daughter is a man!
KENT
That's preposterous!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Things like that, they happen all the time!
KENT
Don't you think it is more likely that instead of
giving the news to Cordelia, you gave it to a man?
The
Italian Gentleman thinks this over, but decides it is ridiculous.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Why would a man be the King's daughter? That's
just
silly.
KENT
I must find the King and persuade him to come to
Cordelia. He is so plagued with
guilt, he refuses
to see her. I
pray you, go along with me.
Exit
Kent with the Italian Gentleman.
*********************************************************
Scene 4
In
Dover, at the camp of the French army, Cordelia enters with SOLDIERS and the
Italian Gentleman. She speaks to a
Soldier.
CORDELIA
Alack! I
hear my father was seen running
around the beach with brown weeds in his
hair.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
That's too bad.
CORDELIA
Yes. With
his complexion, he'd look much nicer
with violets, don't you think?
A
MESSENGER enters.
MESSENGER
News, Madam. The
British Army has been
spotted.
CORDELIA
I've been spotted -- when I was six years old.
I
had chicken pox.
MESSENGER
I mean the British are at hand!
CORDELIA
Good! They
can help us find my father!
MESSENGER
They want to send us back to France.
CORDELIA
That's very generous of them, but I've already
booked
our return passage.
MESSENGER
No! They
mean to fight!
CORDELIA
Then let them fight, just so long as they don't
bother us. Why are soldiers always
fighting?
They're just like little
boys.
MESSENGER
They are angry because we French are on their
shores.
CORDELIA
Then tell them as soon as we find my father, we'll
take
him back to London, and they can have the
shores all to themselves.
Come on, let's go find
the King. Soon
may I see him.
Cordelia
exits, followed by the soldiers and the Italian Gentleman.
*********************************************************
Scene 5
Regan enters with Oswald.
REGAN
But are my brother's powers set forth?
OSWALD
Aye, Madam.
REGAN
Will he lead them against the French?
OSWALD
If forced to it, although to my mind, your sister
is
the better soldier.
REGAN
I assume she has been in close contact with
Edmund.
OSWALD
I am certain of it.
REGAN
How close?
OSWALD
That I cannot say.
REGAN
Cannot, or will not?
OSWALD
I am your sister's faithful servant!
REGAN
But is she a faithful mistress?
I have seen the
way she looks at Edmund. Did you know he
has been sent to find his father and kill
him?
Gloucester never should have
been permitted to
live. We should
have cut out his heart instead
of his eyes!
Regan
hands a sealed letter to Oswald.
REGAN
If you see Edmund, will you give him this letter?
Why do you smile? Do you also have a letter
for him from my sister?
She would do well to
remember she already has a husband.
OSWALD
I will deliver your letter.
REGAN
And if you chance to hear of that blind traitor,
preferment falls on him that cuts him off.
OSWALD
If I meet him, I will show what party I follow.
REGAN
Fare thee well.
Regan
and Oswald exit in opposite directions.
*********************************************************
Near
Dover, Gloucester enters, carrying Edgar.
GLOUCESTER
When shall I come to the top of that same hill?
EDGAR
I think you get to the top when you can't go
any
higher.
Gloucester
is becoming exhausted.
GLOUCESTER
I do not think I can go any farther.
EDGAR
Well, then, you must be at the top now.
GLOUCESTER
It is odd. I
thought I was walking on even
land.
EDGAR
Well if it's odd, then it can't be even.
GLOUCESTER
So we must have been climbing.
Are we
truly atop the cliffs at Dover?
EDGAR
I don't know. How
can you tell?
GLOUCESTER
If we were truly at Dover, the people below us
would be
so small, they would look like ants.
Edgar
looks down at the floor.
EDGAR
Those look like ants to me all right.
GLOUCESTER
Then I must be at the very edge. You must go
further off.
Gloucester
puts Edgar down.
GLOUCESTER
This world I do renounce!
Gloucester
attempts to jump off what he thinks his a cliff, but since he is on level
ground, he merely falls to the floor of the stage. After a moment, he feels around at finds Edgar.
He picks him up and speaks to him.
GLOUCESTER
What happened?
EDGAR
You fell down.
GLOUCESTER
All the way down from where I stood at the
top of the
cliff? How is it I live?
EDGAR
I don't know. One
time I fell off a steep cliff,
and when I got to the bottom, there was a big
crowd of people looking at me, and some fellow
asked me what happened, and I
said, "I don't
know, I just got here myself."
GLOUCESTER
Who are you? You
sound like the madman I
left at the top of the cliff, but you could not be
he.
I left him high above. But
who comes here?
Enter
King Lear, who is quite mad.
KING LEAR
Who wants to know?
They said I was a mighty
monarch, lusty and strong, and so robust that I
could stay out every night 'til dawn, quaffing ale
and playing cards, and never
suffer the slightest ill
health. But
they lied. I caught a nasty case of
the
sniffles once. I believe I
sniffle still.
GLOUCESTER
I remember that voice!
Is it not the King?
KING LEAR
Aye, every inch a king, but far from home.
This sandy shore reminds me of a journey I
once made to the far
Antipodes, in search of a
rare fermented brew known as Ambrosia.
While scouting through the underbrush, I brushed
against a beautiful
blonde. Her hair was like
waves of the finest amber beer, her lips
were
red as wine. Unfortunately,
from the waist
down she was a horse. A
centaur! We chatted
about the local
wildlife, and about the libations
that made the life so wild. And soon I lost my
heart to her upper half.
GLOUCESTER
What was her name?
KING LEAR
(lost
in the mists of memory)
What?
GLOUCESTER
The centaur! What
was her name?
KING LEAR
Lilypetal Blossomtide.
Many were the moonlit
nights we wandered through the dusky woods
and
dappled dales, conversing upon the finer
points of our philosophies.
Then one evening,
when I chanced to arrive at our rendezvous
ahead of
schedule, I found her lower half
engaged in an act of sexual congress with a
horse. Needless to say, I was
distraught! She
begged me to
forgive her. She vowed that she
would never again descend to such debauched
carnality.
I said to her, "Lilypetal, swear thou
unto me!
Shalt thou e'er again..." We always
spoke formally to each other. "Shalt
thou
e'er again act in any manner like unto a horse?"
And she answered, "Nay!" I
left the Antipodes
that very hour, and never heard from her again!
Lear
turns back to Gloucester.
KING LEAR
Give me an ounce of civet, good apothecary, to
sweeten
my imagination.
GLOUCESTER
Oh, let me kiss that hand.
KING LEAR
Let me wipe it first.
It smells of mortality.
GLOUCESTER
Do you know me?
KING LEAR
I remember your eyes.
I believe you had two
of them. Yes,
I remember them well. Unfortunately,
I cannot say the same for the rest of you.
But you
look like an honest man. You
look like what
happens to an honest man. If I find your eyes, I
shall return them, for I too am an
honest man.
GLOUCESTER
You poor creature.
KING LEAR
We are all poor creatures.
When we are born,
we cry that we are come to this great stage of
fools! We cry. We weep.
Enter
the Italian Gentleman, accompanied by a curly-headed MUTE attendant. They
approach the King.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Have you seen the King?
His daughter wants
us to find him.
KING LEAR
Which daughter is that?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
The one who wants us to find him.
KING LEAR
Do you have any idea what the King looks
like?
The
Mute nods enthusiastically. He
puffs out his cheeks, rolls his tongue up in his mouth, and crosses his eyes.
He looks ghastly.
KING LEAR
What makes you think the King looks like that?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
We heard the King was crazy, and that's as crazy
as he knows
how to look.
KING LEAR
I believe I may be of assistance. Would you be
so good as to gaze over in yonder direction?
The
King points off in one direction, and as the Italian Gentleman and the Mute look
off in that direction, the King runs off the other way. The Italian Gentleman turns around, and is surprised to find
that the man who gave him directions is gone.
He spins the Mute around.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Hey, where'd he go?
The
Mute searches the stage for King Lear.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
I bet he went to find the King for us!
GLOUCESTER
That was the King!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
It was? Go
get him! The war's about to start.
Hurry!
The
Mute runs offstage after King Lear.
GLOUCESTER
You'd better hurry if the war's about to start.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Yeah, we've got to move fast if we want to get
good
seats.
As
the Italian Gentleman exits, Oswald enters from the other direction.
He spots Gloucester, and takes out his sword.
OSWALD
Who have we here?
The proclaimed prize!
Thou
old, unhappy traitor! The sword is
out
that must destroy thee.
EDGAR
Now that isn't a very friendly thing to say.
OSWALD
Stand aside, you dunghill, or I will kill you as
well!
GLOUCESTER
Take my dagger and defend us!
Gloucester
takes out a dagger and holds it in Edgar's hand. Blindly, he carries Edgar in the direction of Oswald's voice.
Oswald grabs Edgar's arms and grapples with him, but the dagger finds
it's way into Oswald, who is mortally wounded.
EDGAR
I may be stupid, but no one ever said I wasn't
strong.
OSWALD
Thou hast slain me!
Oswald
takes out the letters to Edmund he received from Regan and Goneril and tries to
hand them to Edgar.
OSWALD
If you wish to be rewarded, deliver these letters
to
Edmund, the Earl of Gloucester. You
will find
him on the English side. Oh,
untimely death!
Oswald
dies.
GLOUCESTER
Is he dead?
EDGAR
I'll ask him. Are
you dead?
There is no answer from Oswald.
EDGAR
He won't answer.
GLOUCESTER
Then I think we can assume he's dead. I'll take
those letters he was talking about.
Gloucester
feels about on Oswald's body until he finds the letters and takes them.
GLOUCESTER
We'd better get out of here before the war starts.
EDGAR
I hear the beaten drum.
Come, Father.
They exit.
*********************************************************
Scene 7
At
the French Camp in Dover, Cordelia enters talking to Kent. Kent is still disguised in the rough garb of a peasant.
CORDELIA
Oh thou good Kent, Thank you so much for
taking such
good care of my father.
KENT
I wish it had been better care.
Under my care he
has lost his authority, his followers, his health and
even his sanity. The only thing he
has not lost
under my care is his life.
CORDELIA
Well, I'm sure you did the best you could.
KENT
He is now just a pathetic, miserable wretch.
CORDELIA
No one can blame you for that.
KENT
I blame myself.
CORDELIA
No one can blame you for that either. Now, why
don't you go change out of those filthy rags?
KENT
I would rather stay in disguise while I might still do
some good.
CORDELIA
All right, Kent, I won't reveal your secret identity.
Enter
a DOCTOR who has been looking after King Lear.
Cordelia questions him.
CORDELIA
How is the King?
DOCTOR
He sleeps. I
have asked some men from your
camp to bring him to you.
Look, here they
come!
The
Italian Gentleman and the Mute enter, carrying the sleeping King Lear in a
chair. The Italian Gentleman and
the Mute struggle with the weight of the King.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Boy, this King's a heavy sleeper!
DOCTOR
Has he been sleeping comfortably?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
I don't know. I'll
ask him.
The
Italian Gentlemen shakes the King roughly, but King Lear does not wake up.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Hey, King! Wake
up! The doctor wants to know
if
you've been sleeping comfortable!
DOCTOR
That's no way to speak to a King!
CORDELIA
That's right. Let
me do it.
She
curtsies daintily, like a perfect princess, before the King. Then she gets up and shakes her father roughly.
CORDELIA
Dad! Wake
up! The doctor wants to know if
you've been sleeping comfortable.
But
Lear doesn't wake up. Cordelia looks down on him, her heart filled with pity.
CORDELIA
You know, I still can't believe my sisters let him
stay
out all night in that terrible storm! I
would
have let my enemy's dog stay indoors by my fire
on a night like that, even
if he had bitten me.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
That's not nice of your enemy to bite you, but it's
good you let the dog sit by the fire.
CORDELIA
No, I meant if the dog bit me.
Wouldn't you have
let your enemy's dog sit by your fire during that
storm, even if your enemy's dog had bitten you?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
I don't think my enemy has a dog.
CORDELIA
Well, I'm sure my enemy would lend your enemy his
dog.
DOCTOR
I am concerned that the King will not wake up!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Maybe we should get your enemy's dog to bite
him.
The
Mute bites the King on the arm. The
King cries in his sleep, and begins to slowly awaken.
KING LEAR
Drat!
CORDELIA
How does my noble lord?
KING LEAR
(not
yet fully awake)
You do wrong to take me out of the grave.
Thou
art a soul in bliss, but I am bound upon a wheel of
fire, that my
own tears do scald like molten lead.
And
I believe somebody bit me.
DOCTOR
He's scarcely awake.
Let him alone awhile.
KING LEAR
Where have I been?
Where am I?
He
tries to get up, but stumbles to his knees.
CORDELIA
You don't have to kneel to me!
KING LEAR
Pray do not mock me.
I am a very foolish fond
old man, and to deal plainly, I fear I am not in
my
perfect mind. A slight touch of
delirium tremens.
Do not laugh at
me, but I think this lady to be my
child Cordelia.
CORDELIA
That's what I think too!
KING LEAR
I suppose you'll want to poison me with lemonade.
CORDELIA
I don't have any lemonade.
Would you like to
be poisoned with ginger ale?
KING LEAR
I will drink it! You
must despise me. Your
sisters hate
me without reason, but you have
cause.
CORDELIA
No cause! No
cause!
KING LEAR
Am I in France?
CORDELIA
No, you're right here!
Come on, let's go for a
walk and I'll introduce you to the army!
KING LEAR
You must bear with me.
Forget and forgive. I
am old
and foolish.
King
Lear exits with Cordelia. Everyone
else follows them off.
*********************************************************
Act V
Scene 1
At
the British camp, near Dover, Regan enters carrying Edmund. She puts him down on a wall.
REGAN
Tell me but truly, do you not love my sister?
EDMUND
I
love her like a sister. Your sister, to be precise.
REGAN
But have you not found your way to her
husband's place?
EDMUND
That thought abuses you!
REGAN
But you haven't answered the question!
EDMUND
That's because I don't want you to abuse me.
But on my honor, I would never dream of
making love to your sister.
REGAN
On your honor? How
far can your honor be
trusted?
EDMUND
How far do you think?
REGAN
Based on how you treated your father, I'd say
less than the space between the eyes of a flea.
EDMUND
Well, there's your answer!
REGAN
If you know what is good for you, you will not
be
familiar with her!
EDMUND
Careful! The
lady in question - or should I
say the questionable lady - is approaching with
her husband!
Goneril
enters with Albany.
ALBANY
The King has joined the French forces not far
from
here. I cannot allow the French to
conquer
England. However, my
quarrel is not with King
Lear or with Cordelia.
EDMUND
No, no, of course not!
GONERIL
(brazenly
lying)
I am certain we are all in agreement on that
point.
EDMUND
I will meet you presently at your tent to discuss
our
strategy.
Regan
picks up Edmund and carries him out holding him with obvious affection.
Goneril follows them off stage, showing her jealousy.
Albany is left alone on stage. Then
Edgar pops up from behind the wall. He
has in his hands the letters he and his father took from Oswald.
EDGAR
Excuse me, but I've got some letters here for
Edward. They're supposed to be pretty important.
My father said he thought I ought to give them to
the Duke of...
Duke of... Let's see, who
was it?
ALBANY
I am the Duke of Albany.
Give the letters to me!
EDGAR
That sounds about right.
Albany
takes the letters from Edgar.
ALBANY
If, after the battle, I need to speak to you about
these, I will sound a trumpet.
EDGAR
That's pretty good.
I do bird calls myself.
ALBANY
Fare thee well.
Edgar
gets down behind the wall. A moment
later Regan re-enters carrying Edmund.
REGAN
Edmund has news for you!
She puts Edmund down on the wall.
EDMUND
The enemy is in view!
Draw up your powers!
ALBANY
I will do so!
Albany
exits with Regan, leaving Edmund alone on stage.
EDMUND
I have sworn my love to both these sisters.
Which of them shall I take? Both?
One?
Or neither?
Neither can be enjoyed if both
remain alive.
Oh, why did I have to be born
such a handsome man?
It will be the death of
me yet. Well,
if Goneril wants me, she'll have to
do something about getting rid of her
husband
Albany. And she better do
it before he does
something stupid, like showing mercy to Lear
and Cordelia.
I'll have to do something about
them.
Edmund
exits behind the wall.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
At
a battlefield, the Italian Gentleman and the Mute enter, followed by Gloucester
carrying Edgar. Edgar is dressed in
battle armor.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Let's sit in the shadow of this tree! We can see
the war good from here!
Everyone
sits. The Italian Gentleman and the
Mute take out pennants with "FRANCE" written on them.
They wave the pennants as though they were at a football game.
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Go France! Go
France!
From
offstage, we hear a FRENCH SOLDIER giving an order to retreat:
FRENCH SOLDIER
(off
stage)
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Oh-oh! I
say, "Go France," and the French
decide to go.
You know what this means?
The
Mute nods "yes." He and
the Italian Gentleman put down their "FRANCE" pennants" and pick
up pennants which say "ENGLAND."
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Go England!
EDGAR
Maybe we should go.
GLOUCESTER
Why go? A
man may rot even here.
EDGAR
Well, sure, if you like rotting. But, um, I don't
think I'm ripe yet.
GLOUCESTER
That's true too.
*********************************************************
Scene 3
At the English camp, ENGLISH SOLDIERS enter. One of them carries Edmund, and puts him down on a wall. Other soldiers bring in King Lear and Cordelia as prisoners.
EDMUND
Officers, take them away!
CORDELIA
Thank you. Could
you take us away to London,
please?
KING LEAR
No, no, no, no. Come,
let's away to prison, to
our durance vile.
We two alone will sing like birds
in the cage. When thou dost ask me blessing, I'll
kneel down and ask of
thee forgiveness. We'll
tell old
tales and laugh at gilded butterflies.
CORDELIA
(laughing)
Oh, I always think gilded butterflies are so funny!
KING LEAR
Yes, we'll hear poor rouges talk of court news.
And we'll talk with them too – who loses and
who wins, who's in, who's
out; and take upon
us the mystery of things.
CORDELIA
I love a good mystery.
Did you see "Hamlet"?
That
was a complete mystery to me!
EDMUND
Take them away!
A
soldier starts to take Cordelia, but Lear pushes him aside.
KING LEAR
Unhand her, you ruffian!
Come, Cordelia,
my little fleur-de-lis!
King Lear gallantly leads Cordelia out. Edmund speaks to the CAPTAIN of the soldiers.
EDMUND
Captain, follow them to prison!
You know
what to do!
CAPTAIN
I'll do it, my Lord.
Exit
the Captain. Enter Albany, Goneril
and Regan, along with more ENGLISH SOLDIERS.
Regan looks very ill and occasionally clutches her stomach.
Albany speaks gruffly to Edmund.
ALBANY
Sir, I require that you give me your prisoners,
the King and Cordelia.
EDMUND
I thought it would be best to lock them up
away from
here for their own protection. You
know how viscous red-blooded soldiers can
get when war gets their red blood
flowing.
No, I
suppose that's
something you've never
experienced.
Anyway,
I've put them safely
away under lock and key.
ALBANY
That is something for me to decide, not you.
REGAN
You forget that he led my army!
If I choose,
I can make him my equal!
GONERIL
You really think you can bring him that far
down?
REGAN
I intend to marry him!
GONERIL
And do you intend to enjoy your marriage?
ALBANY
You cannot marry him, Regan.
He is already
spoken for. By
my wife!!!
EDMUND
Ooops!
Albany
reveals the letters which Edgar gave him.
ALBANY
Edmund, I arrest you for capital treason!
These letters prove you made love to both my
wife and her sister.
What do you have to say
for yourself?
EDMUND
You've got to understand.
I come from a
broken home!
ALBANY
And you're the one who broke it!
EDMUND
I just wanted to experience the affection I
never had
as a child!
ALBANY
By making love to my wife?????
EDMUND
Well, I never had that experience as a
child.
ALBANY
Sound the trumpet!
Let the witness appear
who can tell us of these letters!
A
Soldier sounds a trumpet, as Regan clutches her stomach.
REGAN
I feel sick.
GONERIL
(aside)
If not, I'll never trust my medicines.
EDMUND
I would like to prove my innocence!
ALBANY
Can you?
EDMUND
No, but I'd really like to.
ALBANY
Sound the trumpet again.
The
Soldier sounds the trumpet again.
REGAN
I must leave. I'm
sick.
ALBANY
Take her to my tent, and sound the trumpet
again.
A
Soldier helps Regan to leave as another Soldier sounds the trumpet.
When the Soldier who helped Regan leave returns, he is carrying Edgar.
Edgar is wearing battle armor, including a helmet which hides his face.
He has a sword in his hand.
SOLDIER
(carrying
Edgar)
This man claims he was told to come when we
sounded the
trumpet.
The
Soldier puts Edgar down on the wall next to Edmund.
ALBANY
He will prove you are a traitor! Take up this
sword!
Albany
puts a sword into Edmund's hand.
EDMUND
I can't fight him.
It isn't fair. He has a
helmet,
and I don't.
ALBANY
Then we will remove his helmet.
Albany
tries to pull off Edgar's helmet, but it's stuck.
He asks for help from the Soldiers.
ALBANY
It's stuck! Help
me pull it off.
Some
of the Soldiers hold Edgar's body, while others pull at the helmet.
Suddenly, the helmet pops off, and Edgar (in Albany's arms) goes flying into Edmund,
stabbing him fatally.
GONERIL
Edmund!
EDMUND
I am slain!
ALBANY
(to Goneril)
He is justly served!
These papers prove you
planned to murder me to win his love!
GONERIL
What if I did? Who
will judge me?
ALBANY
I will.
Goneril
runs off stage.
ALBANY
Go after her! She's
desperate.
A
Soldier follows Goneril.
EDMUND
I'm dying! Who
was it that killed me?
Edgar turns to face his brother.
EDMUND
It's my brother, Edgar!
ALBANY
It's true! You
are Edgar. I recognize you now!
Where is your noble father?
EDGAR
He's dead. He
died right after I told him who I
really am.
"I'm really me!" I said.
ALBANY
And his poor old heart could not take the news.
EDGAR
No, his heart took it fine.
He was really happy to
learn I was me.
But then he walked off the side
of a cliff. He was blind, you know.
Yup, that's
the way it goes.
Enter
the Soldier who followed Goneril. He
carries a bloody dagger.
SOLDIER
She's dead!
ALBANY
Who?
SOLDIER
Goneril! Your
wife! She confessed that she had
poisoned her sister Regan, out of jealous love for
Edmund, and then she stabbed
herself! They both
are dead.
EDMUND
Two jealous women!
When I meet up with them
in the afterlife, I know there's going to be
hell to
pay!
Enter
Kent.
ALBANY
Who comes here?
KENT
The Earl of Kent.
When I was banished, I disguised
myself as a lowly slave so that I could
continue to
serve the King. I have
heard he is your prisoner.
If
so,
make me your prisoner too, so that I may end
my life with him.
ALBANY
The King! Where
is the King?
EDMUND
He's at the castle, locked up with Cordelia.
But
you'd better hurry. I'm
afraid I let my mischievous
side get the better of me.
ALBANY
What do you mean?
EDMUND
I ordered them to be hanged.
ALBANY
What? You
call that mischievous? How could
you? This was supposed to be a
comedy!
EDMUND
All right, all right!
So I miscalculated. What are
you going to do, kill me twice? Do
you think I like
the way things turned out?
Edmund
dies. Then, before anyone can do
anything, Lear enters carrying the
body of Cordelia. An English
soldier follows him.
KING LEAR
Howl, howl howl, howl!
She's gone for ever. I
know
when one is dead, and when one lives.
She's
dead as earth! My poor fool,
Cordelia.
Her voice
was ever soft,
gentle, and low, and funny.
An
excellent thing in a woman, or in anybody.
I
killed the slave that was hanging thee.
SOLDIER
It's true, my lords.
He did.
KING LEAR
Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life, and
thou no breath at all? Thou'lt come no
more,
never, never, never, never. I'd
give up drink to
have you live again. I'd
even give up comedy.
Lear
dies. Albany rushes to him.
ALBANY
He's dead!
KENT
Vex not his ghost.
Do not stretch him out any
longer upon the rack of this tough world.
The
wonder is, he that endured so long.
Albany
gives orders to his soldiers.
ALBANY
Bear them from hence.
I want no more of politics.
Kent
you must rule this realm.
KENT
I am too old and sick.
I can't live long.
ALBANY
But who shall be King?
If not you or I, then that
leaves only...
Kent
and Albany stare at Edgar.
EDGAR
Yup. That's
the way it goes, all right. The
weight
of this sad time we must obey: speak
what we feel,
not what we ought to say. The
oldest hath borne
most: we that are
young shall never see so much,
nor live so long.
Everyone
bows their head solemnly. Then the
Fool bounds in.
FOOL
Hey, everyone, I'm back!
Did I miss anything?
The
curtain falls.
THE END
© 2000 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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